Musings Of A Douche
by Slimes
Summary: Jack Thompson. Have you ever wondered what is perpetually up his ass?


_I bring you another "episode" of South Park. While my first instillation wasn't great, I think you get the point (despite no reviews). This one is all about everyone's least favorite anti-gaming liberal douche, Jack Thompson._

Musings of a Douche

August 5, 2007

Diary Of Jack Thompson

_Hello my fine feathered friends, I live in that cozy little house across the bend. It is a curious tale that I tell-some say I come from hell, but no, Earth is where I dwell. It is a tale you see, of how I love depriving children of their daily bread and tea. Not literal bread like whole wheat or rye, something precious that lives inside. I speak of-for those without brains, of the treasure known as video games..._

Stan, Kyle, Kenny and Jess are sitting in class-with their new teacher, Mr. Smith.

Stan-Man, School sucks.

Mr. Smith-Today students, we have a new student.

Kyle-Again?

Mr. Smith-_Two_ new students.

Kyle(feigning enthusiasm)-Great.

A boy with long blonde hair, a pink shirt, and tight looking jeans walks in. He looks uncomfortable.

Tom-Uh, hello. I'm Tom, and I like...boxing. And Bruce Willis movies.

Cartman-(cough)fag(cough).

Eric stops as he sees the other student, who is an obese brown-haired girl.

Cartman-Heh heh heh, Mr. Smith, you better alert officer Barbrady-I think one of the cows got lose.

Fat Girl-Shut your goddamn mouth, bitch!

He looks surprised.

Cartman-Oh yeah? Well fuck you, cunt-licking whore!

Fat Girl-You pigfucking disowned orphan! I'll kick you squah in the nuts!

"What is Love," plays.

Cartman-Oh my god, I think I'm in love.

Mr. Smith-My word, does Mrs. Garrison let you speak like that while she's here?

Stan-No.

Mr. Smith-I-

Stan-She's said worse-in our fourth grade class.

3:10 PM

Class is over for the day, and they leave the class, following John.

Kyle-Hey dude, what's up?

John-Er...Carmen Electra's hot?

Stan-Yeah, whatever. How did your parents take it?

John-Huh?

Cartman comes out of nowhere.

Cartman-Oh goddammit! So now I've been replaced by a pussy feminist hippie _and _a queer? Well that's fine! Screw you Kyle, you and your stupid jew pals!

He storms off.

John-Oh god! He knows! My life is ove-

Stan-Dude, chill the fuck out. Trust me, Cartman's the only one who cares.

John-But how-

Kenny-Pretty fuckin obvious.

Jess-Uh-huh.

Kyle-Yep

Stan-See you.

They all walk off, leaving John behind him.

John-Wait! You wanna come over my house?

3: 24 PM, John's house

Stan-...Holy _shit_, dude.

John has a widescreen TV, surround-sound, and all three next-gen consoles.

Kenny-Dude.

A choir of angels sing.

Kenny-Think of the porn this kid must get!

Stan-Yeah, gay porn.

Kenny-In high definition. And if this was my house, it certainly wouldn't be gay. Speaking of which, where's your bathroom?

Jess-Dude, don't tell him.

John-Why no-

Stan-SO, how'd you afford all this shit? Are you rich like Tolken?

John-No, my dad actually works as a developer.

Kyle is looking through a pile of PS2 games avidly.

John-He actually works with 2K. Which means, I'll be able to play Bioshock two weeks before it comes out.

Kyle's eyes widen.

Kyle-...W-what did you say?

John-Two weeks. Before it comes out.

Kyle drops the game, and walks over to the window in a daze, looking out.

Kyle-I dreamed of this day, but I never thought it would actually come. I knew I was going to get mine...thank you God.

John-And I'm getting it today.

A slow smile spreads over Kyle's face.

Somewhere in Central South Park 3:15 PM

Cartman is standing in front of a small blue house. He looks nervous. He closes his eyes and rings the doorbell.

Voice-Dad, get the door.

Silence follows.

Voice-Dad, get the goddamn door!

More silence.

Voice-ARRGH, lazy bastard!

The door opens and the new girl from class is standing there with a bag of cheesy poofs.

Girl-Goddammit, what do you want?

Cartman-Wait, don't close the door yet! I don't know how to describe this, but I think I'm in love.

She glares.

Cartman-I...brought you something. I picked it just for you.

He holds out a severed puppy head.

Girl-Aww, that's so sweet of you. Call me Brenda.

Cartman-I'm Eric.

Brenda-That's a totally gay name.

Cartman-Isn't it?

"So happy together," Plays in a joyous 60's montage.

Cartman and Brenda skip through the flowers, kicking the small children.

They have hot sweaty sex on the grave of Mr. and Mrs. Tenorman.

At a fancy resturaunt, Cartman smiles and gives a thumbs up, pointing at "tortured baby cows."

They have hot sweaty sex on Mrs. Chokesondik's grave.

While laughing, they toilet-paper the orphanage and the Baptist church.

The montage ends. Cartman is standing on her step.

Cartman-Wow, you're good on graves.

Brenda-I've had experience. With prostitutes.

Cartman-That is SO amazing.

Brenda-If you come back later, we can do it on my dad's bed.

Cartman-Hella shweet.

He leaves, and starts to walk home.

Kenny-Hey fatass!

He looks around for the source of the voice. Kenny is sticking his head out of a window.

Kenny-The new kid is getting Bioshock. Two weeks early. And he's getting us _copies_.

Cartman stares.

Cartman-The queer.

Kenny-Yup.

Cartman-Bioshock?

Kenny-Uh-huh.

He goes back inside. Kyle comes out.

Kyle-Cartman?

Cartman(Still wide-eyed)-You goddamn hippies. (Feigning friendship) Kyle, Kyle, my favorite person in the whole world. Aren't we such great buddies?

Kyle frowns.

Kyle-In First grade, you peed in my apple juice. In fourth grade, you tried to exterminate the jews. In sixth, you killed my pet hamster.

Cartman-But what on earth does that have to do with friendship, Kyle?

Kyle-You really are the world's biggest retard, Cartman.

Cartman-That's fine! I don't care about Bioshock! You're all a bunch of goddamn hippies! I've got better things to do.

Kyle-Good. Then screw you.

He slams the door. Cartman looks back towards Brenda's house.

Cartman-Who the bullfuck am I kidding?

He runs off.

EB Games 3:45 PM

Cartman-Hello sirs.

A guy walks to the counter. A girl is reading a game magazine.

Guy-How can I help you?

Cartman-I need a copy of Bioshock, and make it quick.

The two employees look at each other

Girl-Kid, that game doesn't come out for another two weeks.

Cartman-Perhaps you do not understand the situation. I am Eric Cartman. Stan and Kyle, those assholes, are getting the game today, since that new kid's dad works at the company.

Girl-...And?

Cartman-And?! What do you mean, "and?"

Guy-Why can't you just wait until it comes out...?

Cartman-Because you asshole, Stan and Kyle are goddamn hippies, and they can't have anything better than me! That's not what God wants! They're conspiring against me, always! They are a bunch of jews and hippies and queers!

Cartman's hair is in his face, and he's fuming.

Girl-I'm sorry, but who the hell are Stan and Kyle?

Cartman-I think I can make this more worth your while. I've been known to be very persuasive. I will give you...one bag of cheesy poofs.

Girl-We can't change the fact that it's coming out in two weeks.

Cartman-Ah, I see. Then perhaps, two bags of cheesy poofs. You might think this is an insane offer. It most certainly is. Oh man, don't you just want to rub the cheese all over your nipples?

He demonstrates.

Cartman-Ohhhhhh, ohhhhh yeas! _Yeas! _Oh doesn't it make your nipples hard? Yes, yes, you're sooooo horny, aren't you-(checks name tag)-Alex? You just want to fuck it, don't you, _don't you?_

They look at each other, then heave a large bag of Cheesy Poofs up on the counter. Cartman stares.

Cartman-Wha-what's that?

Alex-It's a bag of _jumbo _cheesy poofs.

He looks at them, to the bag, back to them.

Cartman-Not even if I throw in one of my mom's dildos? I'm sure you'd like that...Sally.

The door opens, and Cartman is chucked out. He lands face down in the snow. He slowly raises his head.

Cartman-Ugh...consider...my balls...officially broken...

A man wearing all black comes from a dark alley.

Man-I've heard you are looking for Bioshock. My group of friends, ve are Game pirates.

Cartman-Well then where's your peg leg and eyepatch.

Man-Vhat I mean is zhat we can get you a game. Any game, before it comes out for a small price.

Cartman-Will cheesy poofs do?

Man-Vhat?

Cartman-Nevermind.

Man-You must meet us at zis totally unsuspicious deserted location vhere no one could hear you scream at Midnight. Oh, and bring a friend or two if you vant.

Cartman-Sweet.

EB Games 4:10 PM

The four boys and Jess run in, panting.

Alex-How may I help you?

John-Klein. John Klein. My dad has five copies of Bioshock for me.

Kenny-Woo-hoo!

Alex-Right, Bob's kid. Yeah...about that.

John-Did something happen?

Alex-It happened on the news about a half-an-hour ago. We're not allowed to have M-rated games on our shelves anymore. I didn't catch all of it.

Kenny is wide-eyed. He pulls out a gun from his orange Parka.

Alex-Jesus Christ!

Kenny-Noooooooooo!

He shoots himself in the head. However, seconds later, the large hole closes in on itself, and Kenny is healed.

Alex-How-

Stan-Don't ask. We're not sure either. But Christ dude, we have to find out what happened!

John-Back to my house!

Diary Of Jack Thompson

August 7th, 2007

_My plan is coming into place. After, I'll vanish without a trace. All my life I've been spewing crap, just like those people against rock and rap. I lie about in-game violence, arguments that don't make much sense. It will soon all be over._

John's House 4:20 PM

They turn on the TV and switch to the news.

Tom-Hello all, just minutes ago, Anti-gaming figurehead Jack Thompson got a new law passed that any M-rated games will be taken off the shelf. Now over to the midget with a bikini for a more in-depth report.

MIB-Thanks Tom, this is a great day for liberal douches everywhere. Just moments ago, Jack Thompson, along with his assistant, Sheila Broflovski, have passed the douchiest law in American history. Here's footage.

Jack-Violent videogames are violent! Violent things are bad!

The crowd cheers.

Sheila-This violence is influencing our children! It turns good kids into killers! It's what caused 9/11!

The crowd roared in approval.

MIB-Frankly Tom, I would hate to be her child, him or her having to live with the fact that their mother was the biggest douche in the universe. Of 2007.

Stan-Dude, Cartman was right. Your mom really is a bitch.

Kyle-Yeah dude. I know.

Kenny shoots the TV multiple times, breaking it.

John-Hey! We just got that!

Kenny-I am going to _kill_ that son of a bitch!

Stan-Jesus, Kenny! Chill out!

Kenny-Chill out? _Chill out?! _Stan, how can you expect me to _chill out?_ I've been waiting for this for too long. And I know you've been thinking the same thing.

Kyle-He's right dude.

Stan-Kyle?

Kyle-I think I just died inside. We need to find this guy. Find him and get rid of him once and for all.

Downtown South Park 11:56 PM

Cartman and Brenda walk down to EB Games.

Brenda-Oh, Cartman, you're so special.

Cartman-Man, this is going to be so killer.

Brenda-I feel like we've truly spiritually bonded.

Cartman-It's going to redefine the first person shooter.

Brenda-I'm so in love.

Cartman-And then I can rub it in their damn faces!

Brenda-Cartman, where are we going? I thought we were going to have dinner!

Cartman-Shut up, Bitch! I'm doing something important.

Past the alleyway, there is a ship on the docks. They walk through.

??-My friend!

Cartman looks around and sees the man from earlier. He's standing on the deck of a large boat.

Man-Up here, to this suspicious looking ship!

The two run up the ramp. They follow the man down into the hull. Cartman looks around at the group of people, and the skeletons rotting in the corners.

Cartman-So, where's the game I was promised?

Cartman and Brenda are knocked out by two men with planks of wood.

Diary Of Jack Thompson

August 8th 2007 1:30 AM

_"Kyle, I found out where that bastard is staying. Gonna shoot him in the head."_

_"Kyle, are you okay? Are you like, mentally stable?"_

_"I don't know Stan."_

_My plan. My wonderful plan. All else have been too scared to dare to enter my lair. Something makes these children strong. Could it be my calculations were wrong? Well children, come and get me. I am oh so ready. _

Denver 2:15 AM

The boys get off the bus, Jess behind them.

Kenny-It's just around the corner here, according to this map...

Jess-But how will we know when we see it? I'm getting hungry.

A large chrome building rose up in front of them with a picture of Jack Thompson on it. Kyle and Kenny walk in front, and Jess and Stan stay behind, with Jack bringing up the rear (no pun intended).

Jess-Stan, I'm worried about Kyle. This is insane!

Stan-You think this is insane? You've got a lot to learn about South Park.

Jess sighs as they enter the large building. Inside is dark, but a hanging tv turns on. Jack speaks out of it.

Jack-Ah, so you have found my secret lair.

Stan-...Yeah. We asked for directions two blocks over.

Kenny-I'm going to kill you, you bastard!

Jack-Yes...your rage fuels me. Don't you see? This is how I came to be. I have always exsisted, even before creation.

Stan-Don't you ever shut up?

Kyle-Kenny, do you have another gun?

Kenny tosses him an AK-47. Kyle loads it.

Kyle(calmly)-I won't stop until you're dead.

Stan-Jesus Christ, dude!

John is staying behind.

John-You guys go on. This is too fucked up for me.

Jack-I await your arrival. If you can find me.

There is a door at the end of the hall marked "Jack's Room."

?? 2:45 AM

Cartman wakes up in the dark, tied to a chair. Brenda is next to him, and men are all around them.

Man-Remember me? Vell now ve will get a nice reward for returning the two of you. Or, ve'll kill you.

Cartman(angry)-So where's my game?!

Man-There never vas any game. You're just a dumbass.

Cartman(enraged)-Goddammit! Look, you had better let me go! My mom is so worried right now.

Meanwhile, Eric's mom is having sex with multiple men at his house.

Cartman-I am a level 20 paladin, and I swear to fucking god if you do not let me go, I will cast flare all over YOUR ASS!

Brenda-I don't care about him, just let me go. Here's a thousand bucks.

Cartman-What?! You backstabbing whore!

Brenda-Screw you fatty.

They untie her and she leaves.

The Lair Of Jack Thompson 2:55 AM

Kenny opens "Jack's room," going first. He points the gun around, and the rest come in. The lights come on. Jack stands there.

Jack-I am your worst nightmare!

He turns into a giant spider and roars.

Kenny-Take this!

Kenny shoots the spider in the head. It stumbles.

Stan-Oh my god, Kenny killed Jack Thompson!

Kyle-My Hero!

Kenny-As long as you don't want to put it in me.

Kenny bursts out laughing. Kyle frowns. The spider reverts to human form. Kenny raises his gun but Stan stops him.

Stan-Wait. Mr. Thompson, why would you want to ruin something as beautiful as video games? A lot of people don't want to admit it, but it's an art form! Why would you censor games any more than movies or books or songs? People just feel a need to have a scapegoat for the bad shit happening in the world today, so they go after the stuff they think most people don't care about.

Video games don't turn people into killers. They turn mentally unstable people into killers! And that could just as easily happen with any other media. So Mr. Thompson, just what the fuck is your deal?

Jack-I know everything I say is a lie. I came to this planet thousands of years ago, and when video games were invented. I was so excited, and I got an Atari and a copy of the game, E.T-

Jess-Ohhhhhhhh...

Stan-Agh!

Jack-It was the worst experience of my life. I figured from then on, if I couldn't enjoy video games, no one could.

Stan-Dude, that was the worst game ever! People buried it!

Jack-Oh.

Stan(In horror)-Jesus Christ, that's like judging every movie after seeing Independance day!

Jack-Well I've learned my lesson. I'm repealing the law, and paying for a new tv for that gay kid!

All-Yay!

?? 3:05 AM

Cartman is crying. The men are holding their heads.

Man-God, he's not worth it.

Man 2-CHRIST, MAKE IT STOP!

They toss him out on his ass.

Man 3-What a loser!


End file.
